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Just now had a lunch meeting with a friend. I saw her pale face and asked her what happened. She told me that she had a sleepless night yesterday. So I proceed to ask her why she had a sleepless night.

She told me that it is nothing. So I waited until when we sat down and ate. I asked again.

"Why do you want to know?"

"Because I am concerned."

"All these while, I have been staying alone. I have been an independent person. I don't really see the point of sharing. What does sharing do when it doesn't solve a problem?"

"Well, sharing doesn't solve a problem. But it relieves a burden, right? For example, I ask you a Physics question. A mass of 50 kg being supported by a straw. How much pressure does the straw face? If now 4 straws support the same mass of 50 kg, how much pressure will the straws face?"

"Well, if I am a rock, I will want a stronger rock who is more independent than me and can help to solve my problem. A straw can't do that."

"What if it is a metal straw?"

"I never see a metal straw before."

"You have not even seen my heart. How do you know my heart exists?"

"(Mumbling something)"

The conversation ended.

To me, it goes to tell me that I am a person who is not a problem solver. In fact, after what she says, I feel that I am a childish person in my thoughts and ways. That is why I hardly can be a salt and light of the world.

When he asks whether before SOT and after SOT,

"Have we changed?" "I did not see the difference before and after SOT." "Why is that?"

After linking all what he says and what she says, yes, they are right. I have not changed. I am still the same old me. I am still trying to avoid reality.

After my secondary school days, I avoid subjects which need memorising. I memorise the whole entire history textbook in my O-level period before exams and that is considered a big feat to me. Since then, anything that needs memorising, I will try to avoid.

That is why after reading so many books, none of the knowledge I can fully utilise. Because I did not even try to put it into my mind.

I tried to avoid family gatherings. That is where big time persecution comes. You can feel the rejection straight away.

When I watch Naruto, I can identify with him. But I am not as strong as him.

I tried to avoid friend gatherings.

"What are you working as?"

"Full time tutor."

"Oh."

The things which they say are so irrelevant to me. I can't discuss or share my insights.

Why are you not bringing friends to church?"

Each time I hear that, I wanted to say: "That is because I have no friends that I can bring."

I am still a selfish me. I can never attain the level I want to be.

Sometimes, I thought to myself, why can't I bring friends?

That is because all these while, I seem nice natured. Christianity has not brought any changing transformations to my nature.

But what they are seeing now is a person who still wants to cling on to his dreams without letting go to the reality that we are facing now. Why would they want to come? Since this is what Christianity brings.

But after today, I told myself that I want to be strong in my mind. My body may be physically weak but my mind must be strong, very strong.

Many people asked me why I can't eat more to be fatter. I also don't know why. But after my operation when I was 3 days old, I never have a chance to grow fat. And even right now, my stomach don't feel well. No one knows how I feel in my body now, not even my parents.

Few times a day, I will feel a pain in my sides. At first, I ignored it. But it seems worse and worse. Fearing the worst, I went to see the doctor. Thank God that it is not liver or kidney cancer. But he says that it could be the winds that is causing the pain. But I can check if I want.

For the time being, I just see how things go.