What will be my birthday wish?

What will be my birthday wish?

Honestly, I do not know. The wish that I have since the start of this year won't be fulfilled. There is a inner voice telling me that it is impossible that this wish will be fulfilled. To check whether it is from God or from the devil, I refer in the bible. The bible did not conflict with that voice. Does that mean it comes from God? or the devil in disguise? I really want to erase this wish from my database. Time and time again, I know that it is not time yet. But still, I wanted to fulfil this wish.

Second wish hmm... I don't know again. To find a job. A job which I liked? or a job to be secure? Many people know that I am out of job. Looking for a job. But not many knew that my self esteem dropped to a highly low this time. I am back to my original self, the old me. The one who has low self esteem. Very very low. Never did I expect that this agreement of Kelly Services and Citigroup Private Bank will be terminated. I learn not fast enough. I cannot cope with the pace of this luxurious bank. I scan slow. I learn slow. I check slow. I did the report slow. Slow, Slow, Slow. The voice telling me that I am useless. What abilities do I have? What can I contribute? Wat do I have in my hands?

No one will know how much struggle I have against the voice. I even woke up, rebuking the devil for taking all from me. I woke up, knowing that it is a dream. Or is it not a dream? What abilities do I have?

Guitar skills. Why must I know how to play? To help my cell group leader. But can I?
The more he mentions about his past of learning the guitar in 1 month, the more I feel guilty that I just cannot understand between the ups and downs of a strum. Is there such a big difference?

Japanese speaking skills. or even reading. or even writing. Those who do not know Japanese think that my Japanese is quite good. But to many accomplished Japanese speakers, my Japanese sucks. I want to help Naomi with her Japanese ministry. But each time I listened, each time I spoke, I seem to be in the wrong country speaking a wrong language. Or the calling to go into missions to Japan is not for me? It seems so wrong. Why is that so?

Teaching. Classroom management. I lacked in this area. When all the friends whom I have seen so far pursue their teaching dream, I can only stand and stare. This goes back to the blog: My potential lying next to me, but I can only stare at the circumstances.

Inability to think. I have always been asking myself. A Bata leather shoes that is worth 80 dollars plus. Is it not appropriate? Does the brand Bata mean that it cannot be worth so much? There are some other better brands that are more suitable for this price, that is what I am told. You should see this person's shoes. Nice but yet affordable. Also from Bata. The shoes I get, Hmm... What am I doing? Can't I even think?

This valley seems so long. How long do you want me to be in here, God?

If one day, I have a memory loss. I cannot even calculate. I do not know what I can do. Right now, what I have, is my mathematical analysis and interest. If this is taken from me, what will I do?

By then, I will have nothing. No talents. I will be like the man with 1 minna but kept it. In the end, this minna is also taken away from him.

What will be my birthday wish?

A wish which I will never know. Never never know. Never, never, never know.